wordsmith85's Blog

I don't know what to say here. It's over I'm single now. She said she wasn't looking for something serious. She said it would be unfair to me. It hurts like hell right now, I've been here before and I know I'll get over it but for now all I feel is alone. I loved her so much and it still didn't happen. I don't have any regrets but that's small consolation.

I know that this blog may be a bit premature but I feel moved to write it anyway.

1. it isn't a race,you'll finish college when you're done not a moment sooner.

2. don't push yourself too hard, this is the first time you have real control over what you do so take advantage of it and be responsible.

3. smarts, wisdom, and intelligence are three different things and in time you will gain a little of each

4. Not all lessons come from teachers, some of the lasting lessons come from other students

5. if you're lucky enough to find the right field it'll never feel like work

6. it's not always going to be easy, but that's a good thing

7. anyone can do well, if they want it bad enough

8. you'll make bad decisions, but as long as you keep moving forward they won't be failed decisions

9. over time the people you will meet will become your second family, this is a special relationship and one that must be chereished

10. over time the experience will change you, if you're lucky you will be better for it

I've been putting the blog off for a while now if only because I wasn't sure how it would sound when I'm finished.  In all my life I have never experienced such a Summer as this one.  Words truly fail me when I try to describe how I've felt during this brief but happy time in my life.  I ended the school year with a reasonable amount of success, got to stand behind my brother at his wedding,I got to welcome a close Friend as a sister-in-law, and I met a wonderful woman with whom I hope to have a relationship with.  I weep with the emotions that I can not express and the fear that life will never be as good as it is now.  The only way I can adequately describe this summer is by calling it magical.  Now I'm readying myself for what I Hope will be my final year as an undergrad and I cannot help but look back and think fondly on the path that lead me here. 

I believe that as we live we occasionally reach tipping points in our lives.  Points were the path behind us stretches out further than the path in front of us and we are finally closer to being done than we are to the beginning.  I've reached this point in more ways than one and now that I'm here I'm also very scared.  There is till so much I have left to do that I am struck dumb by the immensity of it.  I guess somewhere inside me there is still a petulant child railing against responsibility as the adult I am becoming seeks more responsibility and greater challenge. 

In "Death of a Salesman" by Arthur Miller the character Linda says "life is a casting off" and to an extent she is right, however I cannot believe that is all there is to it.  There must be a point where a person begins to build something, to draw a line and say these things on my side are mine and I will not let them go. As I approach what will no doubt be another casting off point I want nothing more than to be able to stop and say "I will no longer leave behind parts of my life like a shed skin.  This thing that I have mad is mine and I will not let it go." 

At the outset of this Summer I only had to look forward to my brother's wedding and than three months existing in a perpetual state of being bored, sad, and lonely.  Now and indescribable Summer of love, family, and happiness stretches behind me and I cannot help but worry about what comes next.  I am truly blessed and gracious for the time I've had this Summer, A Summer unlike any before or any to come, a truly wonderful and magical Summer.

Well, I've never tried to maintain a blog of any kind before and I don't really know what to do with it so for now I'm just going to use it to describe how I'm feeling at this moment.

An right now I'm feeling pretty lonely, it's been this way for the past couple of summers during the school year I meet some really cool people get to know them and then get to say good-bye sometimes for good.  I'm happy for the people that graduate and move on to bigger and better things but that still leaves me bereft and alone.  As a college student I know I'm part of a semi-transient population many choosing to divide their time between their hometowns and here and all of them here only for a short while until they get their desired degree.  The question for me becomes how can I form any meaningful connections with people when I know we're just going to have to say good-bye?

The problem is made all that much worse because I've never felt like I needed people until after I met the people I needed most.  Meeting these people makes me feel like I'm part of something, and I've never had that feeling until recently.  Now that I feel like I can be part of a greater community the separation from that community of people causes me to go into a kind of emotional funk, and I don't like it.  I can find momentary distractions in the few activities a enjoy but those activities are almost all solitary activities and sometimes result in heightening of my feelings of loneliness. 

So the result is that; I am sitting here at my computer, an eleven o'clock at night, waiting for the sandman to sneak up on me, writing a blog about being alone.